Awesomest Thing Ever

The Most Awesomest Thing Ever

by That Kid

While stumbling through the internet drunk, my staggering internet feet eventually led me to the website: http://www.mostawesomestthingever.com./

The website claims to be on a quest to discover the “most awesomest thing ever” through a series of user-based battles. There’s no need to sign up or even turn your brain on at any time, all you have to do is go to the site and within one minute you’ll be presented your first head to head battle, where you choose whichever person, place, or thing you think is the more awesome of the two, and then after you choose it will show you the stats on that particular item, and how awesome it is compared to the rest of the choices, as well as its win-loss ratio.

With all that said, the choices and battle combination’s for this site are about as ridiculous as this entire concept all together, for instance, the first battle I got was between a cough, and the Ikea soundtrack staple Ace of Base. After thirty minutes of complete idiotic system shutdown, my brain eventually managed to reboot itself and to avoid any further injury chose Ace of Base just to move along, and in no way to suggest that Ace of Base is any less capable of pissing me off then coughing, just that as much as they try, Ace of Base can never physically hurt me. After this first battle I figured it would be interesting to start recording some of the ridiculous battles, as well as bullshit stats that went along with things way too low on the list, enjoi.

Ed Gein
vs.
Plinko
(315th most awesome)

The man who influenced the characters in Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Silence of the Lambs, or the zero strategy game from The Price is Right. I went with Plinko because in no way could Plinko influence something that would freak me out.

~ ~ ~

DVD decrypter
(373 rd)
vs.
Nextel

~ ~ ~

Flo Rida
(973 rd)
vs.
Pirate’s Booty

This was a tough one. Although they’re both delicious, I’m basing this off of something completely unrelated to taste. You may have heard in the news a couple of years ago Pirate’s Booty got in trouble for mis-labeling their nutritional facts, angering tons of land dwelling manatees and pissing me off with their constant bitching about how Pirate’s Booty caused them to get fat (and not all that no-exercise and daily pints of Haagen-Dazs)
Flo Rida gets the win because although Pirate’s Booty is delicious, Flo Rida has never been accused of turning fat girls fat (but definitely Phat).

~ ~ ~

Boy Scouts of America
(877 th)
vs.
Matthew McConaughey

God damn it, this site is absolutely not the most awesomest thing ever. I cannot bring myself to choose Matthew however you spell his last name. I’m going to base this battle going by if this list was Not Least Useful People on Earth, Boy Scouts can tie knots and light fires and junk, Matthew McConaughey only succeeds in pissing me off.

~ ~ ~

War in Afghanistan

vs.

"Into the Blue"

The problem with the War in Afghanistan is the lack of Jessica Alba’s ass. The problem with Into the Blue is the lack of Paul Walker being used as target practice by soldiers from the War in Afghanistan.

The real winner here is all of us because of Jessica Alba’s ass.

~ ~ ~

Candice Bergen
vs.
Booger from Revenge of the Nerds

Murphy Brown vs. Booger…haha, “booger” BOOGER WINS

~ ~ ~

Cincinnati sports
vs.
*Gandalf

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

~ ~ ~

Crack Cocaine

vs. 

Figure Skating

While I’ve never tried crack, I’m almost certain:

“Hey guys, I just got into crack”
 would go over a whole lot better than,
“Hey guys, I just got into Figure Skating.”

~ ~ ~

*Sauerkraut
(772nd)
vs.
Glenn Beck

Sauerkraut vs. a Sour Kraut. Fuck Glenn Beck.

~ ~ ~

Scuba Diving
vs.
*Michael Jordan
(172nd)

I can’t drown or get eaten by sharks watching Space Jam. Unfortunately when I saw MJ play the Knicks when I was a kid I was within creeping me the fuck out distance of Dennis Rodman.

~ ~ ~

*Bloodsport
(490th)

vs.

Coaster

(not a roller coaster, the kind you put your drink on)

This easily could have been one of the most one-sided of the battles. When you think of a coaster, all you can picture is your annoying friend he keeps reminding you to use one because that’s why they’re there and he doesn’t want a ring on his table.

When you think of bloodsport, you do a splitkick in the air kicking your friend in the face and then break a brick, no, not that one on top, the one in the middle…KUMITE!

~ ~ ~

Dear John letter
vs.
*Reptilian Humanoid
(131st)

Then about a week later, right out of the blue, she sends me a John Deere letter. I called her up and she gave me some crap about me not listening to her enough or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention. With that being said REPTILIAN HUMANOID!

~ ~ ~

Star Trek
vs.
*the Theory of Relativity

Star Trek claims they can hit warp speed and that Scotty can beam people up.

Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity tells Star Trek to shut the fuck up.

~ ~ ~

*Ninja’s
(11th!)
vs.
Katy Perry

Unfortunately this isn’t who would you do, because Katy Perry’s got a couple of Japanese Islands I wouldn’t mind dropping bombs all over.

~ ~ ~

*The Ability to Walk
(63rd)
vs.
A Hug

Aww, can’t walk? How about a hug? Will that make you feel better?

I could do this all day because the ridiculousness just keeps coming, but I’m le tired.

-That Kid.


- That Kid >: - |