A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out.
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"
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A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
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A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
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A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".
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A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"
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Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
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A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."
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A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
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A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
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A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
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A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
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A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."
~~~
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
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John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
~ ~ ~
A bear walks into a bar and up to the bartender. "What will you be having" the bartender asks. The bear says "I'll have a Jack..................................................................................and coke".
The bartender looks at the bear and says "Ok, a Jack and Coke - but whats with the big pause?
The bear looks at the bartender and says "I donno, I've had them all my life!"
