Drinking Champion

      job searching

by  That Kid                                   

Seriously, how is this not a job yet? I meet all the qualifications necessary that I assume this job would entail. After coming off one of the longest binge streaks of my life (St. Patrick’s Day up until last day of spring break on Sunday) I have been constantly drunk and/or partying, as should be expected when your school decides to create the perfect storm by placing your spring break immediately following the start of March Madness, St. Patrick’s Day, and That Kid Approved Holiday, Stoopfest.

For those of you who know how to read context clues, you’ll realize that the lack of That Kid updates has been because I have been trying to gain experience in the field of Drinking Champion, hoping to show up to the slew of job interviews I was sure to see online with a resume that any sensible manager would put up on the walls of their office with a note next to it saying,”This is how you get the fuckin’ job.” To my utter and complete disbelief though, this job technically does not exist.

 In the business world, getting paid to party is somehow not a priority of companies that trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Fortunately, this is what makes our country so great. Despite not being able to formally apply for a job as the ultimate partier, there are other “careers” which allow people to get paid to do just that, party their faces off.

(35 allston)

With shows like The Real World, and sociological experiments such as The Jersey Shore (I would never judge a person on their skin color, unless it’s orange), people are getting paid to do exactly what social norms tell us not to do for a living, Gahd Damn party.

Think about it, if you haven’t seen these kids from Jersey Shore on at least one talk show or at least entertainment news segment, you must be living under a pale, non-blown out haircut rock. And what are their skill sets? Basically all they have to do is be content with being themselves. They live by the GTL (Gym, Tan, Laundry) Guido lifestyle, and are not afraid to show it. MTV producers must have needed to change their pants at least three times when the show finally hit, because my guess is unlike other MTV ‘Reality’ shows, they need to maintain minimal hold on telling the cast what to do, and because of this they’re now making a career out of it.

This thought all started when I was flipping through the channels the other day and came across WWE Raw on USA. I hadn’t watched Wrestling since I was a little kid and remembered the day before was Wrestlemania (Thanks Ayii), so I decided to check it out for a little bit. But lo and behold who do I see holding two belts over his shoulder talking into the mic, but The Miz.

For those who don’t remember, Mike Mizanin aka “The Miz”, made his debut on the Real World in 2001 on The Real World: Back to New York. Math check (Dave, grab your calculator) 2010 minus 2001 is 9 years. So in this time from when he made his debut on The Real World, to his stint on the endless spin-off shows (RealWorld:RoadRules Challenge, etc.) he has taken his character alter-ego from the original 2001 Real World when he would get shiiiitfaced called, “The Miz”, and transformed himself into a Wrestlemania winning bad boy.

Unfortunately, Monster.com couldn’t help me in my job search, but from my research it’s shown me just one thing, you better get your tivo’s ready cause the way things are going and how you get famous these days, I’m gonna be blowin’ up on your tv’s very soon. Or at least coming to a bar near you soon.

-THat KIIIDD