Keg Etiquette

Anybody who has paid 5 bucks at the door of some shitty off-campus house knows the deal.  There’s  gonna be kegs (at least 4 if these guys are champs, anything less should be considered,  and addressed loudly the entire night, as a “pre-game party”, especially to the hosts).  If you’re not boys with whoever’s house it is and you’re not a member of the gentler sex, you’re going to want to make sure you get the most out of your money, and without all that hassle of, “waiting”

Become a God of Ruit:

If they’re selling cups at the door, there better be at least one table (plywood on top of crates) with some fuckin’ cups set up.  Being a fuckin’ champ at Beirut (Beer pong for you simpler folk) is without a doubt the best way to make sure your cup is always going to be full.  I know you might be saying, “But That Kid, I’m not all that great at Ruit”, well you better get great otherwise you might as well pack up your bags and leave the party early ‘cause there’s only one way you’re leaving this party anyway, sober and alone (unless you count your hand).  



Running the tables all night will not only give you the attention and accolades of the entire party, and get you laid, but because of your ability to not leave the table, drinks will be provided for you like the Greek God you are.  With great power comes great responsibility, and any chum who knows this should realize that it is their responsibility to keep filling the pitchers up for you.

Stand by the Keg all night:

You’re a champ at drinking, but you didn’t play sports in high school and lack even the basic athletic ability to be good at Ruit, what do you do?  That’s right, don’t even bother tying up them Nikes ‘cause you’re not going anywhere for a while.  Too many people have this misconception that, “Oh, I’ll just get my drink and then walk back into the party.” The smarter of these people realize that the keg is the party, and that by running that shit all night, you’ve crowned yourself king of the party. 

Fill up your cup first, and then fill up whoever’s cup you feel like and tell them to pump, thereby displaying your dominance over all the keg the light touches.  No reason to walk around a party looking  to mingle when you could just sit at the keg, drink like a champ, and let the party come to you.  Women will begin to acknowledge your ability to know exactly ‘where the party is at’, and therefore should lead to blowjob’s being passed out like they were hotcakes.

Cutting the line:

You’re mackin it with some slam piece all night after you shit on her friend for thinking she can just come up and talk to you like a human being.  This girl knows you’re the fuckin man so she’s obviously into you but at some point in the night she’s gonna be asking you to go get her another drink.  You’re a gentleman so obviously you accommodate her request, especially because you know this is basically her buying a one way ticket, next stop, Pound Town. 

You’ll do it but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to wait in line for this shit.  A simple trick that requires no skill whatsoever but that will guarantee you get your cups filled next is to take out your cell phone and use it as a makeshift flashlight so the pourer knows how much he’s got left to fill up.  This works best in basement situations and outdoors, and should generally be followed by a, “Good looks bro”, and a generous filling of your cups.  



Another option that works well in any group of self respecting gentleman is to simply come out and say that you’ve got a hottie waiting for you and the faster you get back up with the cups filled the sooner you can find out if those are really “DSL’s”.  If these people have any judge of character at all, a round of high fives and pounds should ensue followed by you getting yours and a USA chant.