Completely Inaccurate History - First Man Walks on the Moon

Completely Inaccurate History -Deez Blog Orginal

First Man Walks on the Moon

by That Kid

July 3rd 1962

After the end of the Korean War, President Robert Kennedy elected for his 4th term to the angular office decides we need to beat Cuba to the moon before they can launch their missiles at it putting the USA into a crisis (hence the name Cuban Missile Crisis, but that’s a story for another blog).

The Challenger 1 was manned by three men: Neil Peart, Buzz “Lightyear” Aldrin, and Kevin Bacon (who replaced Gary Sinise when it was discovered that he contracted a sinus infection, or “Sinise” infection which they so aptly named after him).

The mission went horribly awry though when they discovered a meteor hurtling towards Earth threatening to kill all forms of life on the planet. Lucky for the astronauts though there was drilling equipment and a nuclear explosive located in the shuttle for just such an occasion (talk about being prepared). With the help of Admiral Michael Bay and Head Army Mechanic Bruce “The Spruce” Willis, the Challenger 1 crew was able to drill and detonate the bomb just in time for the meteor to split and completely miss The Earth.

After re-blasting off from the meteor, they were able to make up time by activating the flux capacitor and harnessing the power of The Sun to slingshot themselves towards Mars, deciding at the last moment that they were already halfway there, so why not just go for broke. After a one-week stay on Mars and discovering the first forms of intelligent life, they left to finally go to the Moon (although they wouldn’t if Houston weren’t being such bitches about it and let them get their mack on with hot mars sluts, as all us scientists know, the planets crawling with them).

They arrive on the moon and the hatch opens, Astronaut Neil Peart descends on the monochrome terrain and recites the famous line, “One small step for man, one giant…” “ROOOOOOAAAARRRR!!!” the ground beneath Neil’s feet shake, Astronaut Bacon from inside the shuttle looks at his water to see it rippling with each quake. Could it be? Somehow the boomerang maneuver they used to get to Mars sent them back in time, back to the time of MOON DINOSAURS!

Fortunately Astronaut Peart was able to distract the Tyrannamoonas Rex long enough for Astronaut Bacon to start the turbo-boosters and leave that god forsaken planet. Unfortunately the secret of how the astronauts were able come back to present 1962, went to the grave with the last of them, except Kevin Bacon who surprised the world and became an actor on the television series Cheers, and would not tell how, no matter how much we tickled him.



THE END







(OR IS IT?)







(YES, IT IS)

-That Kid